Kinga Głowacka - Extended Thoughts.

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Hello everyone.

I doubt many of you are still reading this page. Kinga (Kay) was killed just over two months ago, and the world has kept on spinning... Not so much for myself or her family, however. The last post I put together felt a little rushed, and I don't feel like it said everything that needed saying. It was written in a daze, and I want to talk a little more about just how great this woman was... At this point, writing about her is more for me than for anyone else. That said, this is most certainly about her, and our relationship - not myself.

Shoes and Glitter has  died with Kay. She built this platform, and poured her heart and soul into what it has become - a fluffy, safe space, where she shared her passions, intelligence, and vulnerability.  She was not given the opportunity to achieve all of her dreams, and reach her full potential... But she gained so much from her experiences here. This blog is a testament to the person she was, and shows how much she would have achieved. We can celebrate her life - but it will always be an example of how fleeting and fragile it is - no matter how pure, amazing and kind you are, life can end at any time - at any moment.

This was us on our first date... So young!

As I said last time, I first started 'dating' Kinga nine and a half years ago - on the 29th of May 2009. She was 16 - and I was 17. We were two broke college students, who spent all of our money just trying to see each other (we were fairly long distance for the first two years of our relationship). Most people go to restaurants, cinema, parties, etc for their first date, but we couldn't afford that! Our first date involved a walk on a beach up to a hill, and about 8 hours of conversation. We clicked instantly. We were both fairly reserved people in person - but we made each other instantly comfortable. I knew from the first time I met her that I loved her. Our date may sound pedestrian, but it was absolutely perfect in every way.

Kay, looking beautiful, in our first flat together.

We were young, but our relationship, whilst not without it's troubles, was always strong, despite our age. We never broke up, or had one of those infamous 'breaks' We grew up together - we spent over a third of our lives together. We moved in  whilst we were both at university - living in Plymouth for a time (which meant a two and half hour commute to university for me - the things you do for love!). We continued living together for seven years up until her death.

Kinga never felt or did anything half way. She was either all in, or not interested - and it was usually the former. She was an intense and passionate woman. I think her passion in particular shows in this blog - the thought and care she put into every single post - especially her pictures are plain to see. Kinga's favourite quote was (I don't know the source) 'Do not rely on motivation for anything. It is fleeting and unreliable. Discipline, however, is unyielding'. I think that is the key to all of her successes in her short life - and would have been the key to her future success.

On our holiday in Marrakesh, 2016. She blogged about this one early on.

Kinga was many things; but I think everyone knew her for her fierce intelligence. She was forever one step ahead of all of us in life – frustratingly so! Nothing got by her. She came to this country without knowing a word English and learnt it well enough to get a B in GCSE English in her first year here - I know many native speakers who didn’t do even close to that well - a year in and she was already putting us natives to shame. She excelled at anything she put her mind to – be it her job, university, her blog, her relationships, or even just having fun. No problem was too small for her – she was such a perfectionist, that it almost drove her mad. But it made her who she was.

The side that you are less likely to see, is that she was totally bad ass, and had an amazing hidden strength to her. She didn't always appear that way - she was a beautiful, anxious, loving person with many insecurities - some of which she shared in this space - but she would always stick up for herself and people she cared about it ways you can't help but admire. She would never take crap from anyone... I think if she knew what had happened to her, she would be beyond pissed off before she felt sad about it.

Our holiday in Tenerife, 2018. This was the dress she wore at the funeral. She loved this holiday so much.

I could talk about Kinga all day. She has been my world for almost a decade. I thought she would be my future, as well. We had planned to have children, once our careers were sorted (we had guessed two years from now - we thought we had time). We were going to travel more - we had just booked our 10 year anniversary trip to Cyprus. We had always wanted to go to Iceland - to see whales... She also wanted to go to the blue lagoon, because of course she did! She always wanted to go to Australia - to see the Great Barrier Reef (before it died). I can't say that she loved life - the daily grind definitely got her down - but she loved so many parts of life, and and always looked forward to them.

Also, I would just like to remind you all the Kinga did film a few videos - her youtube channel is here. I find them hard - but comforting to watch... She was so magnetic in them.

                                                     Considerations....

There are things I want every single person who reads this to think about. Kinga's death was completely senseless and will never have meaning. It is the kind of event that should make people - even strangers - re-evaluate their life, and behaviour.  Kinga did nothing wrong in this accident - I cannot speak to the circumstances but I strongly believe there was nothing she could have done to prevent this accident.

- Treasure your loved ones. It is a cliche thing to say 'live every day as if it is your last'. You never think tragedy is going to strike you. But any day could be your last. Life is just noise - it is important to remember what is important in life. Getting wrapped up in stresses and material worries is time wasted.

- When you say goodbye to your loved ones - even just for work - think about how you would feel if that was the last time you saw them. I can't remember my last moments with Kinga - I was half asleep, having gotten up at 5.30am for work, when I last saw her alive. I would normally kiss her goodbye - but I was so out of it that I don't remember doing it. That haunts me.

-If you drive, never take that for granted. Don't drive if you are unfit to do so - no matter how important it may seem. If you are too tired, under the influence of anything - don't be stupid. Find another way.

- Always look at the damn road. It may sound trivial, but if everybody did this, there would be far less death on the road. I doubt the driver who ended her life is an evil villain - as much as I want him to be. He is likely a normal person, who got too cocky on the road, and someone else paid the price for his gross negligence. If you drive, you should be 100% focused on the road at all times.

This is the real world consequence of one man's idiocy.

Where it happened. Some of the flowers were used for her blog pictures.

I wrote and read a list poem at her funeral. My thoughts are difficult to express - even now. This helped, somewhat. Even this doesn't really say it, but it is something. I would like to share it here.

I miss you.

I miss everything about you.

I miss your piercing blue eyes.

I miss your overwhelming beauty and your ever-changing fashion sense.

I miss always looking forward to our evenings and weekends together.

I miss falling asleep with you every night and waking up with you every morning.

I miss our spontaneous adventures to random places that we’ve never heard of.

I miss wading through a muddy field just to go and see a cute Shetland pony or tiny ‘teacup’ cow.

I miss going blackberry picking and making terrible jam.

I miss using our made up language, and talking about things in a ridiculously childlike voice.

I miss getting drunk with you and trying to educate each other on what is definitive music taste.

I miss arguing with you about nonsense, and always making up the same day.

I miss cuddling with you and intentionally watching every bad Nicolas Cage film that exists.

I miss your love for anything that was cute – and your hoarding of cuddly toys (they have feelings, remember!)

I miss your insistence that unicorns are real – and that you were always going to see one someday.

I miss spontaneously deciding to go to Tesco’s for wine, because why the hell not, you only live once.

I miss our holidays – the only time you would fully relax and enjoy life to it’s full.

I miss your surprisingly dark sense of humour, and the way we used to laugh about things no one else would find funny.

I miss calling it ridiculous when you called yourself a ‘hamster mum’ – Cinnamon Roll misses you too.

I miss hearing about the most mundane things and stories you had found, that you just had to tell me as a priority.

I miss doing the same to you.

I miss always having each other to talk to, no matter how bad things got. 

I miss our plans for the future, everything we could and would have had.

I miss the immense amount of love you had for those closest to you.

I miss your passion, and your burning ambition.

I miss my best friend, my lover, and my entire world.

I wish that you weren’t ripped away from us.

I wish you were here.

Kinga Głowacka

13/08/1992-12/12/2018

Never, ever forget her.